Accidental Mom

The car wash seemed like a great idea until the terrible tentacle beast started beating on the windshield I found a writing fragment, and it is time to continue the story... Ran across this unfinished piece, and decided the topic was relevant again. I added to it diary/journal entry style, read and reread tried to edit, and just can not get good with it. Sometimes I feel like I have that writing “spark”, right now it feels like I'm trying to get this blog post out of myself with a ball-peen hammer. And then I realized if this post was smooth and not the choppy mess it is it would be a work of fiction, not a blog about my current life. I'm 45 years old with a two year old. I work. I'm taking a class (still chugging towards my BSN, crawling is better than not moving...), parenthood has strained our relationship. You know, life. So in all of its flawed splendor, I present to you my current world (but starting with my current world of a year ago – try

Bogey's favorite swing   So I stood there numbly and dumbly, pushing my son in his favorite swing, unsure what to do next. As this was happening, I reasoned that he was perfectly safe and happy so I could indulge in a mental check out. I tried to think but it sounded like a hive of bees had taken up residence inside my head. I had both called and shown up to the office in person requesting a set of my labs, only to be rebuffed until the Doctor called me directly. I had given up hope that I would get answers this day, as the office had closed 30 minutes or so before the call came. Squamous Cell Carcinoma. I had skin cancer. My brain reeled back to nursing school reaching for recall of the skin cancer lectures. Basal cell? Least scary. What were the really scary words? Malignant melanoma. Where did Squamous fall? I couldn't remember. I continued to push my boy in swing like an automaton, trying to push away thoughts of not being around to raise him. Tears pour

Early morning snuggles Sometimes I think I am totally nailing the adulting thing, and then it can all fall apart in a moment. With witnesses. I had the boy at his pediatrician's office for his one year check up (LOVE LOVE LOVE Dr. Ho)! I was there on time and filling out forms, had distributed snacks to the boy and was Momming like a ninja! Dr. Ho had not heard of the kind of milk I give my son so I had brought in an empty washed out container of Ripple (a pea-based alternative milk) for his perusal of its nutritional value (I like the unsweetened vanilla). Dr. Ho stepped into the waiting area to confirm which vaccine we were doing that day (baby boy only gets one at a time spaced at least a week apart). I reached for the empty bottle of Ripple in the under-storage pouch of the stroller (see: rolling caravan of baby infrastructure) as the Dr. Ho points calmly (he does everything calmly) to the boy picking up a piece of dropped mum-mum cracker from the office flo

So on January 13 th at 8:07 AM I received an Emergency Alert that Hawaii was under attack, missiles inbound, not a drill, take shelter, have affairs in order in the next four minutes, say goodbyes, blah blah blah.  did not think to take a screen shot at 8:07 AM when the alert came in...   Let me back up... My 45 th birthday was coming up. As best birthday present to myself ever, I had my best girlfriend Donna and my Heart Mother Gail fly in at the same time. Donna got here Tuesday and Gail on Wednesday. Thursday night I was settling down to sleep feeling all warm and fuzzy that my favorite people were all under the same roof with me. My mom, my bestie, my Beastie (partner pet name) and my 15 month old son. The only person missing was my aunt Joyce. Suddenly my feelings of both warm and fuzzy hit full reverse. I actually had to pull myself back from the edge of a small panic attack. Know how too many heads of state are not supposed to be in the sam

  Halloween family photo- Dr. Evil, Mini Me, and a Fembot I now have a one year old. What does that mean? Well, for one thing, I have to start “Doing” holidays again. I haven't put up a Christmas tree in five or six years. Haven't carved a halloween pumpkin since elementary school. But I remember. I remember what it was to feel magic, real magic as a child. Santa. Trick-or-Treat candy. The Tooth fairy. Easter Bunny. I want all of that for my son, even though it has become just more stuff on the gotta-do-today-list for me.   The most magical Christmas I can remember.  My little sis and I woke up to this He was nine weeks old on his first Christmas so I didn't beat myself up too bad that I didn't find room in our 750 square foot condo to shoe-horn in a tree. Besides, family was in from out of town and Grandma McCallum made sure everyone had their own stocking. And for our first Christmas I had mastitis, a lactation complication that re