You Can Learn a Lot From a Baby

You can learn a lot from a baby, I certainly have. I thought I knew what it felt like to be protective of something or someone. Before I had my little Duper my emotionally over- wrought uncoilings of wanting to protect loved ones were nothing like what dwells glowing in my chest now. The thought of anybody hurting my son sparks a long mental list of the slow and torturous demise of many a fictional boogeyman. A friend of mine picked this out about me early on after my son was born. David has a teenage son. He basically told me to get ready to beat up a lot of kindergartners, because that is what kids do. They taunt, tease, and tussle. Horrible little five-year-old boogeymen. 

Trying to lure the Duper back for a diaper with his toothbrush

Babies are a lot stronger than people give them credit for. At two weeks old, I was punched in my open eye in the early morning dark as my squalling baby demanded boob. Seeing stars, I was stunned and grateful for not having dropped him. When he was about three months old he snarfed up a little bit of water during his bath. It was bed time so he was really fussy and all he wanted was to nurse. I put my ear to his chest before I laid down with him to make sure his breathing sounded clear. In one second his little legs snapped around my face and chin while his hands reached around my head, each digging deep for a hand-full of my hair. I had stuck my head into a howling baby bear trap, and it took some doing to get out of it. Somewhere in the three to four month period he started being uncooperative with diaper and clothing changes. As he grew this tendency blossomed into HIGHLY uncooperative. I had to stuff rolled hand towels into the gaps under the rails of his changing table as he would grab under them for better leverage as he bridged up into a backbend while simultaneously flipping over onto his belly and grunting/growling loudly. I've tried distracting him with toys to play with while I change him, being verbally firm, and changing him on my bed so I could use my leg to pin him. Even tried figuring out how to put a diaper on a crawling baby. Kinda like trying to cut paper in my right hand with left-handed scissors.  I have also offered him my credit cards and promised him a car when he's 18. He rises to my every counter-measure. Starting at about six months old I actually broke out into a sweat trying to corral him into footie pajamas. I count it as cardio. At about seven months old he head-butted me in my glasses and gave me a black eye for mothers day. Happy Mother's Day to me. 

Here is a pictorial list of other things I have learned from my son:

It's hard to tell which is more delicious...hands

or feet.

Lactating breasts can be about the same size as a baby's head

When the Duper started cutting teeth I bought him some of those gummy water-filled teething rings you keep in the fridge.  Duper quickly taught me there are much better things to teeth on:

Mommy's frozen water bottle

Door stoppers. Door stoppers are the best

And sigh.  Shoes.  Babies are human puppies.

I also thought I was picking out some pretty cool toys.  Here are just a few of the things my son has pointed out are way more fun than actual baby toys:
Toilet contour rugs

The actual toilet.  Which he has recently learned how to flush and I fear a great flood hangs over us like the Sword of Damocles, despite our vigilance to keep the bathroom door shut.   Notice the toilet brush is up on the tank of the toilet.  This is because toilet brushes are apparently great fun, too.   The toilet paper has now joined the party on the ever-crowding toilet tank.  I did not know how fun toilet paper was to unroll and shred.  Or I just forgot.  Also on the back of the toilet are the bathroom waste basket and those little decorative caps that cover the bolts that hold the toilet down.  Because delicious.  My toilet tank has more stuff on it than the entire double vanity. 

Also on the short list for best things to play with:
Paper.  Especially if it looks important.

And bonus points if the paper is located in a wastebasket.

Also, cellphones.  And electrical cords (yes I keep them tucked away) and electrical outlets (yes they all have those protective plug covers hammered into them that I break my nails on every time I want to vacuum.)  And also, the vacuum.  With it's springy hoses and attachments and movement and noise, it also qualifies as awesome. 

Gimmie Dat!

I never knew how sharp baby teeth are.  The answer is Very.  Like my breastmilk is laced with recombinant piranha DNA.

Eating should be met with the same enthusiasm as any contact sport

And pooping while actively jumping in a Jumperoo is a bad idea.  Also learned why Jumperoo seats are detachable and machine washable.

Having a baby is like having your own personal bio-hazard spill that you are just constantly trying to contain

I never had the urge to be a mother, and my baby boy has shown me how incomplete I would be without him.  If something were to happen to him, there would be nothing left of me.  I would never have experienced the gift of having unconditional love for another.

I have learned to stop telling my old story, and to focus on my new one.  In other words, remember where you came from but pay more attention to where you are going.